Just for Laughs:People
last revised: 5/28/01
Divorce??? OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS Job Interviews Smile1Smile2  Smile 3
Word Count THESAURUS OF MEN Principles of Leadership Observations about Living
Causal Friday Made in America Revenge Because I'm a man....
Redneck Swimming Pool Theater Going Procrastinators Job Hunting. Really?
10 Top Signs You're Living Rural
Health Care

     A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in Nebraska. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here  in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and  we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of   my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister  shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."
     He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in Omaha and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this!"
     She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night."
     The father agrees, "All right." He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

Word Count
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.  She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.  Looking stunned he said  "What?"

for Women & Men

1.  Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage since the last oil change reaches 3000.
2.  Drink a cup of coffee.
3.  15 minutes later, write a check for 30 dollars and drive away with a properly maintained vehicle.

1.  Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil,filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2.  Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3.  Open a beer and drink it.
4.  Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5.  Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6.  In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7.  Place drain pan under engine.
8.  Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9.  Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; stab oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car to 7-Eleven for...beer.

Job Interviews

The following allegedly are actual postinterview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:

1. "Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "Applicant asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "Applicant announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10. "Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another

14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the
salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any farther."


Translated:* I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

Translated:* "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

Translated:* "Are you STILL talking?"

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, ... but I forgot your birthday."

Translated:* "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

Translated:* "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said,and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

Translated:* "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

Translated:* "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

Translated:* "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Principles of Leadership:

1. When in doubt, mumble.

2. When in trouble, delegate.

3. When in charge, ponder.

4. A leader (president, etc.) is "like everybody else, only more so."

5. The boss is always right.

6. When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 5.

7. There are three ways to get something done: a. do it yourself b. hire someone to do it c. forbid your kids to do it

8. Some have had 30 years' experience: others one year's experience thirty times.

9. Re: the people you lead, remember the "Gadarene Swine Law"--"Merely because the group is in formation, does not mean that the group is on the right course." -- (Vic Lehman, Parables, Etc., February, 1990)

-- from the personal collection of inspirational speaker King Duncan, www.cleanjokes.net.

Observations about Living:

1.  Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

2.  Birthdays are good for you -- the more you have the longer you live.

3.  Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

4.  Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened.

5.  How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

6.  I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

7.  If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

8.  Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

9.  If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

10. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

11. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors ... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

14. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Made in America
        Regarding job layoffs in the U.S. Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m.  While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SING APORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.
        After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
        At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while.  He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....

How To Shower Like A Woman:
1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you slept in because there was a distinct chill in the air at bedtime due to the temperature having dropped below 70 degrees.
2. Walk to the bathroom wearing a long robe and a towel on your head.  If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to bathroom.
3. Turn on the hot water only and let run.
4. Look at your womanly figure in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam, and adjust the water to a temperature slightly below it's boiling point.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Rinse.
9. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
10. Rinse.
11. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
12. Rinse.
13. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.  Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
14. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
15. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
16. Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
17. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off).
18. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and anyway, the hair helps keep you warm.
19. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
20. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.
21. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
22. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
23. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot.  Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
24. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.  If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately,
ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to bedroom.

How To Shower Like A Man:
1. If you wore clothes to bed last night, take them off while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel.  If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.  (no)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check quickly for pecs again.  (no)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth.  (you don't use one)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt.
12. Shampoo your hair.  (do not use conditioner)
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
15. Pee
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel.  If you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.

Theater Going
        A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

        The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned.

        The infuriated usher then turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

        The cop surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned.

        "Where ya from, Sam?"

        With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

Health Care..

        I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.  I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."  He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read.  "Now both," I requested. There was silence.   He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.  I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.  I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

        A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me.  This is only a one-seater!"

        During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor.  "The patch."  The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"  The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see.... Yes, the man had over fifty  patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

        A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"  The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.

        While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,"How long have you been bedridden?"  After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

        One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

        A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse.  "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

        A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"  "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste", the patient replied.  The nurse asked  to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly.

Job Hunting. Really?
Excerpts from Real Resumes & Cover Letters...
Fortune Magazine 7/21/97
1.   I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2.   I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 comptor and spreasheet progroms.
3.   Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4.   Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
5.   Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
6.   Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
7.   It's best for employers that I not work with people.
8.   Let's meet, so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience.
9.   You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10.  Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11.  I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12.  Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. Nocommitments.
13.  I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14.  I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15.  I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16.  My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17.  I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18.  Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
19.  As indicated, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
20.  Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21.  Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping". I have never quit a job.
22.  Marital status: often. Children: various.
23.  Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work at 8:45 every   morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.
24.  The company made me a scapegoat, just like my 3 previous employers.
25.  Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26.  References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Quotes from actual performance evaluations:
1.   Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2.   His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3.   I would not allow this employee to breed.
4.   This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
5.   Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.
6.   When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7.   He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8.   He sets low personal standards and then consistency fails to achieve them.
9.   This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
10.  This employee should go far ... and the sooner the starts, the better.

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