Just for Laughs:
Places
last revised: 6/7/01

Texas	COMMANDMENTS OF THE SOUTH	Life in California	Rules of the Air
Ode To Texas	10 Top Signs You're Living Rural
God's Plan for Texas

The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Texas
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.

He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.

Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well.

Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.

First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.

Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.

'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.

"By Golly," he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than Hell."

All good Southerners already know this, but in fairness to those Yankees (northerners visiting the South) or Damn Yankees (northerners who visit the South and stay) who may venture South, there are some things you need to know.  Southerners who may have Yankees visiting this season, please pass this along.

1.  Don't order a steak at a Waffle House.  They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.

2.  Don't laugh at people's names.  Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, Betty Lou, Connie Sue and Inez have all been known to open a can of whoop ass for less than that.

3.  Don't order a bottle of "pop" or "cola"; this can lead to a merciless beating.  Down South, it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.

4.  Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC team (like AUBURN).  All the others are a bunch of candy asses who get to play Utah every week.

5.  Don't refer to Southerners as a "bunch of hillbillies." Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and generally much nicer, to boot.  We've also got plenty of business sense (e.g., Turner Broadcasting, MCI/WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape).  Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time .  We don't care if you think we're dumb; we know better!

6.  We are fully aware that the humidity is high.  The higher evolved humans are accustomed to it and adapt appropriately.  Quit your whining, spend your money, and leave.

7.  Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel.  If you do this, everyone will know you're from Ohio.  Eat the biscuits like God intended, and for God's sake, don't put sugar in your grits.

8.  Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent.  Can't be replicated.  Nothing will incite a riot faster.

9.  Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home.  If you don't like it here, take your Yankee fannie back home.

10.  We don't play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't ask about the scores.  We simply don't care.

11.  We know how to speak proper English; we talk this way because we want to and we can.  It's like playing the blues; you have to know how to do it right first.

12.  Last, but by no means, least, DO NOT try to tell us how to bar-be-que. This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. You're dern lucky that we let you come down here in the first place, so don't push your luck!

RULES OF THE AIR

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also
report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of  take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet
to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

10. All you have to do to get your picture in the paper is graduate from taxidery school.

9. Schools close for opening day of deer season.

8. There are official state highway signs pointing to towns that consist of two houses, one of which burned down years ago.

7. Directions will include landmarks such as "where Joe Imler's barn used to be," and "out past Hattie Landis' daughter-in-law's boyfriend's hunting cabin."

6. People can identify cattle by name. Other people's cattle.

5. The majority of items in the "Police Blotter" section of the paper involve eggs or BB guns.

4. A high school graduating class of 80 students shares 15 last names.

3. Houses are identified by the family who used to live in them, as in "You live in the Gill house, right?" when you bought the house from Mr. Gill in 1972. And during the 40 years Mr. Gill lived there, it was known as the Snyder house.

2. The newspaper runs special editions during Farm Show Week.

and

1. Dean Koontz is known primarily for being related to the guy whose 3-year-old sow won Best of Show at the County Fair.