Just for Laughs: Religious

**Just for Laughs:**
**Religious Humor**
**last revised: 4/15/02**
LONG SERMONS	Church service	10 Reasons God Created Eve	Proverbs	Baptists and Drinking
Roadrage	Baptism	Attitudes at Church	Modern Beatitudes	Baptists and Eating
The River	Moses	Walking On Water	God is like	Digging in the Desert
WRITING BP STORIES	The Funeral	Ministers in Training	Copying	Adam and Eve

FUN THINGS TO DO DURING LONG SERMONS

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
See if a yawn really is contagious.
Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
Line up your little beany baby stuffed animals, (the ones your mother gave you to keep you quiet in church). During the prayer begin pushing them two at a time up to the front of the church. If it is a long prayer, you can get at least eight to the front before the prayer is over.
While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn.
Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed.
See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before your mother catches you.
Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room.
Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can.

Church Service       One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
      The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly. "Good morning, Alex."
      "Good morning, pastor" replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. Dr. Wood what is this?" Alex asked.
      "Well son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service."
      Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?"

Baptism
Baptism

Moses

Road Rage

The River A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor. "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
The preacher sat down.
The deacon stood up. "For our closing hymn," he announced, "let us turn to page 126 and sing, 'We shall gather at the river'."

The Funeral      A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
     A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
     The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
     The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband."
     "What happened to him?"
     The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
     She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
     The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
     A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
     "Could I borrow that dog?"
     "Get in line."

10 REASONS WHY GOD CREATED EVE 10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

PROVERBS

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

I have found at my age going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Modern Beatitudes Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.

The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Do it and die."

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is: Nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Church Attitudes

1. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to get into their pews or their favorite church parking spot.

2. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

3. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

4. We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers.

5. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

6. People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the church.

7. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your door for years.

8. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

9. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."

10. If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

11. Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited upon the fathers.

12. God Himself does not propose to judge a man till he's dead. So why should you?

13. To make a long story short, don't tell it.

14. If your left hand doesn't know what your right one is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington.

15. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

16. I don't know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

17. A lot of church members are singing "Standing on the Promises" while they are just sitting on the premises.

Walking On Water         A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o'clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. he turns to the others and says, "That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?" The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank.
        The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.
        The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon.
        Again, to his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.
        The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water.
        The first deacon turns to the second and says, "Think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

Ministers in Training Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.

Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman
that was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out ". . . and I can't remember who she was!"

God is like

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:

GOD is like BAYER ASPIRIN ... He works miracles.

GOD is like a FORD ... He's got a better idea.

GOD is like COKE ... He's the real thing.

GOD is like HALLMARK CARDS ... He cares enough to send His very best.

GOD is like TIDE ... He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

GOD is like GENERAL ELECTRIC ... He brings good things to life.

GOD is like SEARS ... He has everything.

GOD is like ALKA-SELTZER ... Try Him, you'll like him.

GOD is like SCOTCH TAPE ... You can't see him, but you know He's there.

GOD is like DELTA ... He's ready when you are.

GOD is like ALLSTATE ... You're in good hands with Him.

GOD is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ... He holds through all kinds of weather.

GOD is like DIAL SOAP ... Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did?

OUTLINE FOR WRITING BP STORIES
===============================
===============================

NOTE: The following is classified information! Do not let it fall into enemy hands under any circumstances! If it surfaces in the public eye, deny everything!

STEP ONE
========
Keep focused on the main purpose: make SBC leaders look like saints and make all opposed to the SBC leadership look like heathens and idiots.

STEP TWO
========
Choose a keyword(s) to include in the headline
A. Liberals
B. Homosexuality
C. BGCT
D. CBF
E. Inerrancy

STEP THREE
==========
Determine a writing technique(s)
A. Slander
B. Guilt by Association
C. Lies
D. Hate

STEP FOUR
=========
Collect information
A. Parouse Moran's latest diatribe
B. Check out the rumor mill
C. Look for quotes by SBC leaders
D. Interview a fundamentalist student attending a non-SBC seminary
E. Get out the scissors and cut and paste partial quotes from non-fundamentalists
F. Check out the rumor mill again
G. Call Jerry Falwell's secretary for story ideas
H. Pull out the file of quotes from Patterson and Pressler
I. Call the SBCV or Texas Conservative's office and ask for the latest gossip
J. And if all else fails for some strange reason, just make up a story belittling "moderates"
K. As a very, very last resort, pull out that shelved story of how ____ picks his nose in public and carries a Bible that is three sizes too small

STEP FIVE
=========
Take all your sources and combine them. Always try for a grand "slam." And always remember: the principle subject in your story (whether an individual or entity) is diabolical and is your worst enemy (never mind that he or she is a Christian brother or sister, that is irrelevant). And finally, your story is not complete unless it convinces your readers that they must also
hate the "enemy."

STEP SIX
========
Don't forget!! Double check to make absolutely certain you've avoided the following:
A. The truth
B. Christian love
C. Jesus' attitude

The Typo         A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to his abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
        The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and he hasn't come back.
        So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, Father?"
        With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."

Baptists and Drinking

A redneck walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Budweiser and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The redneck replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The redneck becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The redneck looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Show and Tell A kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their faith to class. At the appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students.

The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."
The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of David."
The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary."
The final child said, "I am Southern Baptist and this is my casserole dish."

Digging in the Desert An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a sarcophagus containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Adam and Eve

After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve.' Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam then took Eve by the hand, behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged, and said, 'Lord, that was enjoyable.'

And the Lord replied, 'Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'caress'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam went again behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, 'Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'

And the Lord said, 'You've done well, Adam, and now I want you to make love to Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord, what's 'making love'?' So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve, behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in two seconds... ..And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'headache'?'