Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage since the last oil
change reaches 3000.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check for 30 dollars and drive away
with a properly maintained vehicle.
Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts and write a check for 50 dollars
for oil,filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking
back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; stab oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it
off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean
oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil
drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992)
in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh
oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car to 7-Eleven for...beer.
The following allegedly are actual postinterview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:
1. "Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "Applicant asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "Applicant announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's
briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave
for another
interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his
wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When
do I start? What's the
salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the
interview any farther."
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated:* I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand
by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated:* "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing
a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you STILL talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of
the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of
every car I've ever owned, ... but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Translated:* "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated:* "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said,and am
hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend
the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated:* "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could
be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated:* "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
1. When in doubt, mumble.
2. When in trouble, delegate.
3. When in charge, ponder.
4. A leader (president, etc.) is "like everybody else, only more so."
5. The boss is always right.
6. When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 5.
7. There are three ways to get something done: a. do it yourself b. hire someone to do it c. forbid your kids to do it
8. Some have had 30 years' experience: others one year's experience thirty times.
9. Re: the people you lead, remember the "Gadarene Swine Law"--"Merely because the group is in formation, does not mean that the group is on the right course." -- (Vic Lehman, Parables, Etc., February, 1990)
-- from the personal collection of inspirational speaker King Duncan,
www.cleanjokes.net.
1. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
2. Birthdays are good for you -- the more you have the longer you live.
3. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
4. Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened.
5. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
6. I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
7. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
8. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
9. If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
10. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
11. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors ... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
14. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
How To Shower Like A Man:
1. If you wore clothes to bed last night, take them off while sitting
on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife
along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to
see if you have pecs. (no)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check quickly for pecs again. (no)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt.
12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
15. Pee
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel. If you pass your girlfriend/wife,
flash her.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned.
The infuriated usher then turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice, Sam
replied,
"The balcony."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!"
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch." The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see.... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste", the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly.
Quotes from actual performance evaluations:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't be.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and when
cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only
to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistency
fails to achieve them.
9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
an idiot.
10. This employee should go far ... and the sooner the starts,
the better.
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