Just for Laughs:
last revised: 7/11/04
Something to Ponder
The 2000 Federal Census
for Rednecks
Florida Presidental Ballot Political Cartoons
President Bush and 
the Queen of England
GOP Nightmare
Grand Old Petroleum.com
Bush Quotables
Bush on the Environment
     Bush and Cheney  
     Bush and Jeffords  
     Bush on parenting  
    Bush on Keeping Promises  
Bailout Bush Style
Bush and the Vatican


The 2000 Federal Census for Rednecks

Last name:  ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_)Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger (_) Bubba (_) Junior (_) Sissy (_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Unemployed (_) Dirty Politician

Preacher Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Lover's Name:___________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household:_____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______ Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_ Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly (_) Monthly (_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_) Blond (_) Black (_) Red (_) Brown (_) White (_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow (_) Brownish-Yellow (_) Brown (_) Black (_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile (_) 2 miles (_) just a whoop-and-a-holler (_) road?

Something to Ponder:

What happens when a  president gets elected in a  year with a "0" at the  end? Also notice it goes in increments of 20 years And  LOOK! this year is where it  lands!

 1840: William Henry Harrison (Died  in Office)
 1860: Abraham Lincoln  (Assassinated)
 1880: James A. Garfield  (Assassinated)
 1900: William McKinley  (Assassinated)
 1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in  Office)
 1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in  Office)
 1960: John F. Kennedy  (Assassinated)
 1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived Assassination  Attempt)
 2000:  ?????????????????????????????????????????????
 And to think  that we had 2 guys duking it out in the courts to be the one elected in 2000

 You might be  interested in this.  Have a history teacher explain this
---- If they can.
 Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress  in 1846.
 John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in  1946.

 Abraham Lincoln was elected  President in 1860.
 John F. Kennedy was elected President  in 1960.

 Both were particularly concerned  with civil rights.
 Both wives lost their children while  living in the White House.

 Both Presidents  were shot on a Friday.
 Both Presidents were shot in the  head.

 Lincoln's secretary was  named Kennedy.
 Kennedy's Secretary was named  Lincoln.

Both were  assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by  Southerners named Johnson.

 Andrew Johnson,  who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
 Lyndon Johnson,  who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

 John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was  born in 1839.
 Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy,  was born in 1939.

 Both assassins were  known by their three names.
 Both names are composed of  fifteen letters.

 Lincoln was shot at the  theater named 'Ford.'
 Kennedy was shot in a car called  'Lincoln' made by Ford

 Booth ran from the  theater and was caught in a warehouse.
 Oswald ran from a  warehouse and was caught in a theater.

  Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their  trials.

 And here's the  kicker:
     A week before Lincoln was  shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
      A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn  Monroe.

President Bush and the Queen of England

        On a recent visit with the Queen of England, President Bush and the queen were enjoying a leisurely cruise in the Royal Coach. At one point, the right rear horse produced a thunderous, cataclysmic intestinal amount of gas that reverberated through the air and rattled the doors of the coach.
        Presidents and Queens are, first and foremost, human beings. Their first reaction was to focus their attentions outside their respective windows and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened.
        The Queen, steeped in decades of experience living with the mundane and bizarre together, was the first to realize that ignoring what had happened was ridiculous. "Mr. Bush," she said casually, "please do accept my regrets. I'm sure that even you understand that there are certain things that even a queen has no control over."
        The president grinned. After all, he had been raised in Texas, and reacted with his best tact. "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. Why, in fact, if you hadn't mentioned it I would have thought it was one of the horses."

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