Just for Laughs: Computers

**Just for Laughs:**
**Computers**
**last revised: 5/15/01**
Ode to the Spell Checker	YOU KNOW YOU'RE A COMPUTER GEEK IF:	Computer Humor	End of the Internet
	What if MS made cars?

Ode to the Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a werd
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A COMPUTER GEEK IF:

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D..."
When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.
When your wife says, "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!" and you chastise her for omitting the"else" clause.
When you try to sleep, and think: sleep (8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours */
When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number...
When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you look for an icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

Computer Humor
--------------
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.

What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.

Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.

What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.

MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE. At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3.. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4.. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12.. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.