|LONG SERMONS||Church service||10 Reasons God Created Eve||Proverbs||Baptists and
|Roadrage||Baptism||Attitudes at Church||Modern Beatitudes||Baptists and
|The River||Moses||Walking On Water||God is like||Digging in
|WRITING BP STORIES||The Funeral||Ministers in Training||Copying||Adam and
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
I have found at my age going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Do it and die."
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is: Nobody older than 30 can fit into
1. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to get into their pews or their favorite church parking spot.
2. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
3. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
4. We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers.
5. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
6. People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the church.
7. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your door for years.
8. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
9. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."
10. If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
11. Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited upon the fathers.
12. God Himself does not propose to judge a man till he's dead. So why should you?
13. To make a long story short, don't tell it.
14. If your left hand doesn't know what your right one is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington.
15. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
16. I don't know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?
17. A lot of church members are singing "Standing on the Promises"
while they are just sitting on the premises.
Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar
decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the
pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It
seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said
loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another
that was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds
trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally
blurted out ". . . and I can't remember who she was!"
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:
GOD is like BAYER ASPIRIN ... He works miracles.
GOD is like a FORD ... He's got a better idea.
GOD is like COKE ... He's the real thing.
GOD is like HALLMARK CARDS ... He cares enough to send His very best.
GOD is like TIDE ... He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
GOD is like GENERAL ELECTRIC ... He brings good things to life.
GOD is like SEARS ... He has everything.
GOD is like ALKA-SELTZER ... Try Him, you'll like him.
GOD is like SCOTCH TAPE ... You can't see him, but you know He's there.
GOD is like DELTA ... He's ready when you are.
GOD is like ALLSTATE ... You're in good hands with Him.
GOD is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ... He holds through all kinds of weather.
GOD is like DIAL SOAP ... Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish
NOTE: The following is classified information! Do not let it fall into enemy hands under any circumstances! If it surfaces in the public eye, deny everything!
Keep focused on the main purpose: make SBC leaders look like saints and make all opposed to the SBC leadership look like heathens and idiots.
Choose a keyword(s) to include in the headline
Determine a writing technique(s)
B. Guilt by Association
A. Parouse Moran's latest diatribe
B. Check out the rumor mill
C. Look for quotes by SBC leaders
D. Interview a fundamentalist student attending a non-SBC seminary
E. Get out the scissors and cut and paste partial quotes from non-fundamentalists
F. Check out the rumor mill again
G. Call Jerry Falwell's secretary for story ideas
H. Pull out the file of quotes from Patterson and Pressler
I. Call the SBCV or Texas Conservative's office and ask for the latest gossip
J. And if all else fails for some strange reason, just make up a story belittling "moderates"
K. As a very, very last resort, pull out that shelved story of how ____ picks his nose in public and carries a Bible that is three sizes too small
Take all your sources and combine them. Always try for a grand "slam." And always remember: the principle subject in your story (whether an individual or entity) is diabolical and is your worst enemy (never mind that he or she is a Christian brother or sister, that is irrelevant). And finally, your story is not complete unless it convinces your readers that they must also
hate the "enemy."
Don't forget!! Double check to make absolutely certain you've avoided the following:
A. The truth
B. Christian love
C. Jesus' attitude
A redneck walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Budweiser and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The redneck replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The redneck becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The redneck looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns
and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's
just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.
Hasn't affected my brothers though."
The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."
The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of David."
The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary."
The final child said, "I am Southern Baptist and this is my casserole dish."
"I've just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve.' Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam then took Eve by the hand, behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged, and said, 'Lord, that was enjoyable.'
And the Lord replied, 'Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'caress'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam went again behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, 'Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'
And the Lord said, 'You've done well, Adam, and now I want you to make love to Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord, what's 'making love'?' So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve, behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in two seconds... ..And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'headache'?'