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The 2000 Federal Census for Rednecks
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_)Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger (_) Bubba (_) Junior (_) Sissy (_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Unemployed (_) Dirty Politician
Preacher Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet
Number of children living in household:_____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______ Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_ Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly (_) Monthly (_) Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Color of hair:
(_) Blond (_) Black (_) Red (_) Brown (_) White (_) Clairol
Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow (_) Brownish-Yellow (_) Brown (_) Black (_) N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile (_) 2 miles (_) just a whoop-and-a-holler (_) road?
What happens when a president gets elected in a year with a "0" at the end? Also notice it goes in increments of 20 years And LOOK! this year is where it lands!
1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived Assassination Attempt)
And to think that we had 2 guys duking it out in the courts to be the one elected in 2000
You might be interested in this. Have a history teacher
---- If they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by Ford
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker:
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
President Bush and the Queen of England
On a recent visit with the
Queen of England, President Bush and the queen were enjoying a leisurely
cruise in the Royal Coach. At one point, the right rear horse produced
a thunderous, cataclysmic intestinal amount of gas that reverberated through
the air and rattled the doors of the coach.
Presidents and Queens are, first and foremost, human beings. Their first reaction was to focus their attentions outside their respective windows and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened.
The Queen, steeped in decades of experience living with the mundane and bizarre together, was the first to realize that ignoring what had happened was ridiculous. "Mr. Bush," she said casually, "please do accept my regrets. I'm sure that even you understand that there are certain things that even a queen has no control over."
The president grinned. After all, he had been raised in Texas, and reacted with his best tact. "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. Why, in fact, if you hadn't mentioned it I would have thought it was one of the horses."
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